spirit on the water

welcome charcoal gray insulin pump

2012-01-25T17:09:00.002-05:00

I have an insulin pump in charcoal gray! It's bigger than I thought! I am not going to be able to hide this thing in my bra as previously hoped. All my friends and family can attest to the fact that I have been a loser diabetic! Hopefully my days of A1C scores of 13, glucose readings swinging from 590 to 41 in the same day, and 8-10 daily shots in my legs and stomach are OVER!!
Why a pump? Glad you asked! Here's what the doc told me:

Benefits of Insulin Pump Therapy

Insulin pump therapy provides more flexibility for your lifestyle while giving you greater control of your diabetes:

More Flexibility

Since the insulin pump uses only more predictable rapid-acting insulin, you will not need to follow a strict schedule for eating, activity, and insulin injections. You can eat when you are hungry, delay a meal if you want, even broaden your food choices. If you do activities that lower your blood sugar such as riding your bike, playing with your kids, or gardening, you can reduce your basal rate so that your blood sugar does not drop too low. If you are sick or have an infection and tend to have an increase in your blood sugar, you can increase your basal rate so that your blood sugar does not go up too high. You can also change your meal bolus based on the foods you choose to eat.

Fewer Injections

With multiple daily injections, you can give yourself at least 120 injections per month. With insulin pump therapy, you can reduce this by 108 injections—you just change your infusion set 12 times per month.

Tighter Control, Fewer Long-term Complications

With more precise insulin delivery, you can also gain better control of your diabetes. With proper insulin pump use, you can be four times more likely to achieve your target A1C and potentially reduce your low blood sugars by 84%! Since insulin pump therapy can help you achieve better control, you can reduce your long-term complications of diabetes such as eye, heart, kidney, and nerve damage.

Better Predictability

Insulin pump therapy provides more predictability in the way your insulin works in your body than multiple daily injections (MDI). Traditional, long-acting insulin can “pool” under the skin, resulting in uneven absorption rates causing unpredictable lows and highs. Insulin pumps use only rapid-acting insulin, which is absorbed with more predictability so you can deliver smaller, more precise doses of insulin when that’s all your body needs.

Love after Love

2011-06-27T11:45:00.001-04:00

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~Derek Walcott

A Purification

2011-04-01T07:21:00.000-04:00

At the start of spring I open a trench
in the ground. I put into it
the winter's accumulation of paper,
pages I do not want to read
again, useless words, fragments,
errors. And I put into it
the contents of the outhouse:
light of the sun, growth of the ground,
finished with one of their journeys.
To the sky, to the wind, then,
and to the faithful trees, I confess
my sins: that I have not been happy
enough, considering my good luck;
have listened to too much noise;
have been inattentive to wonders;
have lusted after praise.
And then upon the gathered refuse
of mind and body, I close the trench,
folding shut again the dark,
the deathless earth. Beneath that seal
the old escapes into the new.

Source: Teaching With Fire
Wendell Berry

clouds in my coffee

2011-03-28T19:14:00.003-04:00

i am a coffee lover....from way back. i remember drinking coffee with my grandpa bates at the breakfast table. he would pour the hot, black java from his cup into his saucer and would slurp it from there. and so did i. grandma explained to me that he did that to cool it down. he and i would sit in silence, drinking the heavenly elixir from our saucers, perfect morning light streaming in through the windows of the old white farmhouse and sounds of my grandma in the kitchen, making homemade biscuits and fried apples.
i have loved coffee ever since. those marvelous beans wrapped in rich brown, with the power to invigorate every sense....an aromatic elixir that warms a channel clear to the soul.

BUT for the past two years, i've had a weird and persistent hangup about making my own coffee. my "coffeemaker" moved out nearly two years ago. for whatever pathological reason, i have been unable to make my own coffee here at my house. i have consequently become tim horton's best customer.

today, all that has changed! i took the plunge and bought a mini plus keurig coffee brewer. this morning marked a new phase of my life as i popped in a k-cup of green mountain lake and lodge java, a warm and toasty blend with sweet, pungent aromatics. in two minutes, i was drinking an amazing cup of freshly brewed, dark roast coffee...and i made it myself in my own kitchen..
the clouds in my coffee rolling in a new day.
i feel invincible.

some of my favorite coffee quotes:

Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven. ~Jessi Lane Adams

See how special you are? I serve you coffee in the parlor. ( :( ) - Anthony Quinn

Coffee is real good when you drink it it gives you time to think. It's a lot more than just a drink; it's something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup. - Gertrude Stein

If you want to improve your understanding, drink coffee; it is the intelligent beverage. - Sydney Smith

The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce. - Oliver Wendall Holmes, Sr.

Coffee is to the body what the Word of the Lord is to the soul. - Isak Dinesen

We would take something old and tired and common -- coffee -- and weave a sense of romance and community around it. We would rediscover the mystique and charm that had swirled around coffee throughout the centuries. - Howard Schutz, CEO of Starbucks, 1997

I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee. ~Harry Mahtar

And if you're like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody... ~Robbie Seay, New Day

Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis - a good hot cup of coffee. ~Alexander King

One more cup of coffee for the road
One more cup of coffee 'fore I go.
To the valley below. ~Bob Dylan

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee. ~Carly Simon

happy love day

2011-02-14T08:23:00.001-05:00

happy love day, originally uploaded by jaki good.

A Prayer For the Journey

2010-12-31T01:08:00.006-05:00

The following text in italic print is my blog entry from December 31, 2008, exactly two years ago Click on the preceding link to see the original post.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton

the sentiment of my heart as i think about my life on this eve of a new year.
i took this picture while sitting on a rock in the middle of the stream - thinking about the same.

WOW! when i added the above post to my blog exactly two years ago on December 31, 2008, i had no idea of the perils and trials that the new year would bring. i loved Merton's prayer, but was unaware of how powerfully relevant the words were about to become in my life. i believe God gave me that prayer because He knew how desperately i would need it. He certainly heals the wounds of our past and gives us strength for today, but how amazing is it that He also goes before us, preparing us for the unpredicatable future?!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
These verses could perhaps be the best advice ever.

prayer for the new year

2010-12-26T14:30:00.001-05:00

"Most merciful God help us step into the coming days with gentleness, knowing that all your creation is both fragile and cherished and that all You have made should be handled with care.

Guide us, O God, toward peace. Peace in our homes, in our workplace and in our communities. Help us always to keep in mind that the best chance for living into that peace is to open ourselves to your love, and trust in your power of transformation.

We begin the year with kisses and sparklers. Keep the dancing flame of possibilities alive within us, even as life's trials dampen our spirit and make us tired and anxious. Give us faith. Give us hope. Give us awareness of your gracious presence in all life's circumstances.

Teach us to be joyful and guide us in how to spread that joy to others. Let us become the hands and feet, the mouth and ears that show those around us what love looks like, sounds like, and how it feels.

A new year symbolizes another chance for seeing our lives through the lens of gratitude. Thank you, O God, for all you have given us. And thank you most of all for the newness of mind and soul that you offer to us always!"

prayer found at explorefaith.com

autumn

2010-10-22T16:32:00.001-04:00

open flower

2010-09-20T11:59:00.002-04:00

"There are times when God feels as palpable and near as the breath passing through our nostrils. Perhaps we’ve had some kind of religious experience, or we’ve suddenly recognized an answer to prayer, or we’ve felt hope in the midst of hopelessness. We cherish those moments like we do the first feelings of love, and try to keep them close by, where they will be safe and continue to nourish us.

But the days pass along. New encounters slip into our lives, pain encroaches and leaves us raw, arguments tamper with our peace, and stress coils snakelike in our soul, squeezing out joy. As we respond to all these changes, we find ourselves losing our hold on the memories of closeness with God that once were so potent and real. We hardly notice at first.

Then a moment comes when we start to feel something akin to thirst. Our souls feel arid and scratchy. Our inner life seems as cavernous as a dark, dry cave rugged with sharp stones. We feel drained of the moisture of God’s grace. We cast about trying to see what situations and people in our lives are to blame for our malaise, when what is really needed is to turn ourselves away from the situations, the encounters, and the stress and enter a space where we can meet again the One who fills the thirst of our soul with love and hope. It is not action but non-action that is required.

We need a time to refrain from analysis in order to feel the spirit of heaven. We need to be the open flower ready to drink in the sun."
-Renee Miller

God Only Asks That I Respond

2010-07-29T11:01:00.004-04:00

"As long as I respond, God can continue to shape my own individual path in me. God is forever introducing me to new and exciting challenges. God only asks that I respond. I need to be flexible and open to the new creation and the new call that is forming within me. God can form a huge pitcher out of me and fill it with water to pour on the dry stones. I must wait to be renewed and reshaped. The more clay is worked, the more pliable it becomes in the experienced hands of the potter. I must remember that I, too, am called to be a potter, creator of love. I feel a deep peace and sense of something being created, or being brought to birth. Perhaps the God will show me his face and show me how the clay becomes the potter."

Source: I Hear a Seed Growing by Edwina Gateley

Where to Find Our Real Selves

2010-07-26T16:53:00.003-04:00

"We are warmed by fire, not by the smoke of the fire. We are carried over the sea by a ship, not by the wake of a ship. So too, what we are is to be sought in the invisble depths of our own being, not in our outward reflection in our own acts. We must find our real selves not in the froth stirred up by the impact of our being upon the beings around us, but in our own soul which is the principle of all our acts."

Thomas Merton
Source: No Man Is an Island

Ongoing Adventure

2010-06-03T13:00:00.003-04:00

"Because of the routines we follow, we often forget that life is an ongoing adventure. We leave our homes for work, acting and even believing that we will reach our destinations with no unusual event startling us out of our set expectations. The truth is we know nothing, not where our cars will fail or when our buses will stall, whether our places of employment will be there when we arrive, or whether, in fact, we ourselves will arrive whole and alive at the end of our journeys.

Life is pure adventure and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art: to bring all our energies to each encounter, to remain flexible enough to notice and admit when what we expected to happen did not happen. We need to remember that we are created creative and can invent new scenarios as frequently as they are needed."

Source: Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now
Maya Angelou

Such Gifts

2010-05-21T08:50:00.004-04:00

I go out to the dunes and look
and look and look
into the faces of the flowers;
and then one of them leaned forward

and nuzzled my hand, and what can my life
bring to me that could exceed
that brief moment?
For twenty years

I have gone every day to the same woods,
not waiting, exactly, just lingering.
Such gifts, bestowed,
can't be repeated.

If you want to talk about this
come to visit. I live in the house
near the corner, which I have named
Gratitude.

poem by Mary Oliver

Let Evening Come

2010-04-16T10:28:00.003-04:00

Let the light of late afternoon
shine through chinks in the barn, moving
up the bales as the sun moves down.

Let the cricket take up chafing
as a woman takes up her needles
and her yarn. Let evening come.

Let dew collect on the hoe abandoned
in long grass. Let the stars appear
and the moon disclose her silver horn.

Let the fox go back to its sandy den.
Let the wind die down. Let the shed
go black inside. Let evening come.

To the bottle in the ditch, to the scoop
in the oats, to air in the lung
let evening come.

Let it come, as it will, and don't
be afraid. God does not leave us
comfortless, so let evening come.

Source: Collected Poems
Jane Kenyon

Having Nothing

2010-04-03T13:56:00.001-04:00

Do you ask too much of God?

Know that:
When God's prize is down falling, you
may find a rising.

When God's favor is silence, you may
catch a melody.

When God's blessing is suffering, you
may sense deep peace.

So:
The heart of darkness is new light.
The heart of despair is fresh hope.
The heart of death is eternal life.

Only those who have nothing
can accept everything.

* The Desert: An Anthology for Lent by John Moses
By Abbot Nicholas

Spring Pools

2010-03-26T09:19:00.003-04:00

"These pools that, though in forests, still reflect
The total sky almost without defect,
And like the flowers beside them, chill and shiver,
Will like the flowers beside them soon be gone,
And yet not out by any brook or river,
But up by roots to bring dark foliage on.
The trees that have it in their pent-up buds
To darken nature and be summer woods --
Let them think twice before they use their powers
To blot out and drink up and sweep away
These flowery waters and these watery flowers
From snow that melted only yesterday."

-Robert Frost

serenity over biscuits

2010-02-04T22:23:00.001-05:00

i stayed with my grandma bates quite often while i was a kid, especially in the summer when i would stay with her weeks on end. she was the type of grandmother every child should have, always gentle, compassionate, full of love and grace. she fixed me homemade biscuits and gravy every morning and called me "jack". i have so many wonderful memories of her.
recently, a good friend of mine, liz seif, gave me a beautiful silver bracelet inscribed with the serenity prayer. That same prayer hung in my grandmother's kitchen, right above her stove on a copper plaque. i remember asking my grandma about the meaning of those words while she fixed me breakfast. she did her best to explain it to my ten year old mind - that so much of what we may worry and fret about is futile, that there are times we must be really brave. i found this extended version of the prayer. maybe i will hang it above my stove one day for my future grandchildren.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

(the photograph is of my grandparents, darkie and isadore bates, taken by my dad in 1980)

small town

2010-01-06T11:08:00.004-05:00

“The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does”

some may find the truth of this quote disturbing - but in this stage of my life, i find it strangely comforting.

when the news of my pending divorce leached out this past spring, i initially wished i lived in a huge city, with Anonymity my friend. i wished i were cloaked in a Metropolis, where the hustle and bustle, cacophony and commotion would drown out the noise from my life.
Wouldn't it be dandy to quickly walk through this "D" chapter unnoticed, or skip it entirely? if i lived in New York City, i would walk to Times Square where strangers would smile and nod and speak and have no idea that my life had fallen completely apart.

in a small town, news travels like wildfire. my husband and i separated on a friday. two days later, we were on a dozen church prayer lists. it's not that we didn't desire prayer, we just wanted a little private space to regain out footing. he shared with his friends, i shared with my friends, our three sons shared with their friends - the news could not be contained and spread faster than the H1N1 virus in this small town.
i hated that at first, but not now.

last night, i was driving down rte 23 through my hometown of waverly. the street lights were making stars on the snow and ice. the familiarity of buildings, places, farms and fences, people, memories brought waves of warm solace...a crystallizing moment, i think. the town itself was embracing me, reminding me of who i am, and affirming my inclination to hope and trust and believe.

when it is all said and done, i like the sense of belonging that i feel in my town, people knowing me and caring about me. along with the back fence talk and meddling, i have found genuine concern and understanding that have helped me weather this storm.

i am glad i live here, at least for now.

Handbook 2010

2010-01-05T14:57:00.000-05:00

i just got this in my inbox and wanted to share:

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12 Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree....

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26.. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29.. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up..
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Choose to be happy.

2010

2010-01-01T08:03:00.004-05:00

i celebrate the coming of a new year. i resolve
to be fully present in all of my moments,
to live life forwards,
to experience nature everyday,
to listen more and talk less,
to slow down,
to have faith like a child,
to be thankful,
to bend like the willow,
to love unconditionally,
to be faithful in the small things,
to dive deep in God's beauty,
to seek first the kingdom of God,
to stand up to fear,
to look for the open doors,
to nurture creativity,
to practice generosity,
to learn from my failures,
to be free.

on my knees

2009-12-10T21:07:00.002-05:00

on my knees,
the lush forest my prayer room,
i am a child lost in green wonder,
savoring the scent of earth and moss,
reveling in the kisses of splendrous light.
i accept the invitation to exuberantly frolic
on His wild planet, to let in the winds of change,
to celebrate all things new and leave the old behind.

by jaki
(all words on my blog are mine except when noted otherwise)

verbs

2009-12-07T10:53:00.006-05:00

i like verbs -

alligators in waiting

besiege
squelch
lumber
gape
eviscerate
snatch
ambush

they trickle off the tongue like a red carpet, flirting with disaster at every turn.
they roll in the hay with the wallflower nouns, sexy gerund boyfriends.
they linger past the punctuation roadblocks, in participle paradise.
they mangle the most respectable subjects with infinitive flair.

pry
weep
surrender

until the cows come home.

by jaki

wedding photographer

2009-11-25T11:43:00.002-05:00

me - on location - shooting a wedding. my wedding photographer assistant, doris, took this shot of me while we were waiting on the bride to get dressed.
it's pretty amazing that i get paid to do something i enjoy so much. i love being a part of the big day and capturing those romantic moments as they unfold from morning to night. i've deduced in my discussions with other photographers that it causes many to become anxious - after all, you only have one chance to digitally document those once in a lifetime moments. but i truly am energized by the challenge of combining good photography with the ability to quickly think on my feet - to continually be in the mode of seeking, finding and documenting those special moments. and those moments happen all around me - the window light casting a warm glow on the flower girls' face, the gleam from the silver pin in the bride's up do, the emotion on a grandmother's face as the couple says their vows.....it's a lot of work! i have to be at the top of my game - ready - alert...because you never know when something tender or hilarious may happen!
i absolutely love being a part of the joyous and spiritual celebration of a wedding -
lucky me.

Turning Toward Intimacy

2009-10-24T09:39:00.005-04:00

By Kayla McClurg
"Over 1 million children under 18 will experience divorce this year. Even when it’s handled with love and care for the children involved, the divorce of their parents is a traumatic and life-altering event. Perhaps less stressful than living with two parents who can’t get along, but stressful nonetheless. Throughout our lives we are faced with situations that are painful and in which we feel overwhelmed and powerless. Sometimes we are left by someone we love. Sometimes we are the one who leaves. Sometimes we are neglected or abused, and sometimes we are the one who neglects or abuses another. We live out our childhood losses again and again. Jesus had his own “issues,” you know he did. Small towns talk, and the story is, maybe he’s not even Joseph’s son. I mean, it doesn’t take much detective work to count up the months between marriage and birth … I’m just sayin’….

Jesus understands what we’re going through; he loves us regardless; AND he is no fool. He sees how we use each other and blame each other and hide out from each other, using our starting stories as an excuse. And he keeps calling us to another way. Not a way based on legal systems or social customs, not a way based on denial or casting blame; but a way based on the lofty ideals of down-to-earth love. So whether he was talking to adults about divorce or blessing the children of parents who might be together but were probably struggling as much as any others, he kept reminding whoever would listen to stop going the direction they were going and to turn toward what matters most.

To repent is to turn—and so is to bless, to turn toward instead of away. In Hindu tradition, when meeting or departing, one turns toward the other, bows, hands together at the heart chakra, and says, “Namaste,” which means “I bow to you.” Bowing isn’t the same as, “I give in to you.” Or, “I give up; you can have things your way.” Rather, it is a recognition of the spark of the divine in you. It is bowing to that part of you that, regardless of how we might be at odds, regardless of how differently we see the same thing, regardless of how much you annoy me, reminds me that we are connected. [“The Spirit in me greets the Spirit in you.”]

“To bless” means that when the relationship is breaking down, we choose to believe in the possibility that, actually, deeper connection might be “breaking through.” And so we make a commitment to turn toward one another at the most difficult junctures, not away. When you hurt your spouse or your close friend, or have been deeply hurt by them, when you have been failed by the community of people who have promised to journey, together with you, as members of something bigger than all of you, and in your hurt you turn away—and that might be the right response initially—at some point, turn back. See the ones who have hurt you for the struggling humans they are. Turn toward each other, instead of away.

When you’re not the one hurting, but others are, turn toward that hurt. Go to the Festival Center when Jubilee Jobs has its next orientation—or wherever hurting people gather in your part of the world—and look into people’s eyes and see what hopelessness & hope look like up against each other. Don’t be afraid or angry or resistant to the person begging on the street. Turn toward her instead of away. When children are frightened by the fighting in their home, or other things that are out of their control, turn toward those children, not away. Powerlessness comes because we turn away from each other; empowerment comes when we turn toward each other and toward the God in each other.

This sounds like a lovely exercise until you try it on a daily basis. As humans we yearn for closeness, but don’t know how and are scared to confess even that little bit of self-revealing information. Isn’t it interesting that we are capable of doing all kinds of daring things—visit someone in prison or join a protest where we might get arrested ourselves or swim out into a lake to help get someone to shore or simply face the daily grind of being a responsible person in the world—but we can’t imagine looking someone in the eyes and saying, “I would like to know you and to be known by you, but I’m afraid because I don’t know how.” Our yearning for intimacy is matched by our fear of it … and our fear of admitting our fear.

For many of us the fear goes back to childhood where we never received the blessing we needed from family and the wider community. Did we have a circle of love where we were blessed as Jesus blessed the children, or did we feel more often in the way, scolded for taking up too much space and time? When we went to school, we weren’t taught intimacy like we were taught to read or do math or even like we were taught to share and be polite. Intimacy is caught more than taught. It’s a way of being that is nurtured in simple gestures. I remember a moment when my kindergarten teacher created space for intimacy simply by looking me in the eyes one cold day as she tied my hat on my head. She said, “I think I’ll tie the bow over to the side today because that’s how my little girl likes to wear her bow.” That’s all it took for me to feel the closeness of being as dear to her as her own daughter.

This is what we were created for—small tender gestures, gentle moments of being seen and known and, as they say, loved anyway. And yet we are as clumsy as toddlers who are just learning to walk. We stumble all over each other trying to figure out how to do it. It’s been called the “dance of intimacy” but should dancing cause this many bruises, this many hurt feelings? Rarely are we able to be honest and say we don’t know how but we want to try to learn how to be open and honest and loving … and so we just lumber along, smashing into each other’s feelings and opinions until, exhausted, we conclude that indeed we ARE NOT able to do it, this dance called healthy relationship. We decide the best thing for this turtle to do is to pull in and live inside the shell. Make a cozy little nest there. Permanently.

And maybe that will work out for you; maybe you’re one of the few who can do life alone, but I for one am not. I might not know how to let you get close to me, but I know it’s what I’m made for. And I choose to believe in One who says it’s never too late to be on this path … because it’s really the only path. Not to constantly relive the past and cast blame on those who have hurt us and didn’t teach us well how to open our hearts, but to live NOW as beginners, each moment like children just starting out."

Kayla McClurg facilitates inward/outward and other connecting points for the scattered community of The Church of the Saviour in Washington, DC.

my favorite hymn

2009-09-12T23:53:00.001-04:00

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.

He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
He taketh my burden away,
He holdeth me up and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day.

With numberless blessings each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.

When clothed with His brightness transported I rise
To meet Him in clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love,
I’ll shout with the millions on high.

He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

Wild Geese

2009-09-10T10:45:00.007-04:00

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

-Mary Oliver

her place near the river

2009-08-07T22:41:00.009-04:00

Suzanne
Lyrics by Leonard Cohen
(in memory of greg robson - my best friend in high school - who nurtured the poet in me)

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know, she's half crazy

It's why you want to be there
She feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China

And just when you mean to tell her
You have no love to give her
She gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
You've always been her lover

And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And know she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind

Jesus was a sailor
When He walked upon the water
And He spent a long time watching
From His lonely wooden tower

And when He knew for certain
Only drowning men could see Him
He said,"All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"

But He, Himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

And you want to travel with him
You want to travel blind
And you know he will find you
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind

Suzanne takes your hand now
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters

And the sun pours down like honey
On our, our lady of the harbor
She shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers

There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror

And you want to travel with her
You want to travel blind
And you know she'll find you
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind

Happiness in Any Circumstance

2009-07-29T09:28:00.003-04:00

"It does happen, even under these circumstances, that every now and then my whole being is flooded with pulsating life and my heart can scarcely contain the delirious joy there is in it. Suddenly, without any cause that I can perceive, without knowing why or by what right, my spirits soar again and there is not a doubt in my mind that all the promises hold good.... Outwardly nothing is changed. The hopelessness of the situation remains only too obvious; yet one can face it undismayed. One is content to leave everything in God's hands. And that is the whole point. Happiness in this life is inextricably mixed with God. Fellow creatures can be the means of giving us much pleasure and of creating conditions which are comfortable and delightful, but the success of this depends upon the extent to which the recipient is capable of recognizing the good and accepting it. And even this capacity is dependent on our relationship with God."

Source: Prison Writings: Meditations -
by Fr. Alfred Delp, SJ

Listening for Call

2009-07-25T09:41:00.004-04:00

by Kayla McClurg

"I've been pondering this part of the quote by Ann & Barry Ulanov from Wednesday: "We go at God like a brass ring, wanting to catch deity and win the prize. We want so many prizes: fame, security, power. Often we want very good prizes: love, health, peace in the world, truth." One of my very good prizes is knowing what God wants me to do ---around here we call it "call."

I like the way Frederick Buechner puts it, that call is where our greatest joy meets the world's greatest need, but I'm not there yet. Maybe someday I'll be able to trust joy, and the world's need, as marks of call, but how much joy does it take to know you're called to something? I enjoy singing; is singing my call? Do I look for a way to bring singing into some place of pain in the world? How much pain does there have to be for me to be called to it? How will I know if I'm responding out of my own wounded co-dependency rather than my joy? Maybe I'm not ready yet for the joy/need method.

My method is more "listen and let be." Listen for what nudges, and nudges again, take a few inner notes, consciously loosen my grip rather than leaping on an idea and riding it around day and night, weighing it down with all my hopes and anxieties...."

happy birthday carter

2009-07-19T08:52:00.009-04:00

today is my middle son's birthday. it's hard to believe carter is 15! although i am so proud of the young man he has grown up to be, i am still sad that these past 15 years have gone by so fast.
i see my dad and steve in all three of my boys. carter, however, has an uncanny likeness to my dad, not only in looks, but also in his love for God,people, food, humor, and fun...(my dad is the one on the left at carter's baptism). my dad was an extreme optimist, full of hope and joy....dad was strong but also tender-hearted, loyal, faithful, humble and honest - how refreshing to have a son who shares those same qualities! in everything carter does, he demonstrates a zest for life that is contagious. he has made our lives so rich and entertaining.
happy birthday carter - i love you!

Why I Wake Early

2009-07-18T07:19:00.005-04:00

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less
kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for—
to look, to listen,
to lose myself
inside this soft world—
to instruct myself
over and over
in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,
the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant—
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,
the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help
but grow wise
with such teachings
as these—
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

By Mary Oliver

f r e e d o m

2009-07-13T07:44:00.002-04:00

Our original freedom was the freedom to be our True Self---the freedom to live in the whole truth of the moment---attractive and unattractive. This takes far more courage than we might imagine. Great religions offer us, not just freedom from our small illusion (often called "sin") but freedom for the Big Picture. That's why the saints could be imprisoned and not lose their spirit. They could be put down and persecuted like Jesus and still not lose their joy, their heart, or their perspective. Their freedom came from within. Our freedom 'from' finally and eventually becomes our freedom 'for.' We must always seek the positive and full meaning of freedom, which nation-states know little about. Secular freedom is having to do what we want to do. Religious freedom is wanting to do what we have to do.

Source: Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr

Help Me Now to Unclutter My Life

2009-06-19T09:08:00.005-04:00

Celtic Daily Prayer

Lord, help me now to unclutter my life,
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity.
Lord, teach me to listen to my heart;
teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it.
Lord, I give You these stirrings inside me,
I give you my discontent,
I give you my restlessness,
I give you my doubt,
I give you my despair,
I give you all the longings I hold inside.
Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth;
to listen seriously and follow where they lead
through the breathtaking empty space of an open door.

Source: unknown

who's to blame

2009-02-19T13:46:00.006-05:00

We want to hold something or somebody else responsible for our misery, but unless we choose to be responsible, we'll never grow up. There's a story I heard about a construction worker. At lunchtime one day on the job, the worker opened his lunch box and said, "Oh, no, chicken salad again!" The next day he had chicken salad, and he reacted the same way. The same thing happened on the next day after that, and the next. Finally, a co-worker who heard these repeated complaints said, "If you can't stand the chicken salad, why don't you get your wife to make you something else for lunch?" The man replied, "Oh, I'm not married. I make these lunches myself."
There's truth in that story. We play the victim. We live as if we're buffeted and bruised by this arbitrary world.... We look outside ourselves for the source of our unhappiness, but we're looking in the wrong place. The source is always within us.

Source: The Silence of Unknowing
by Terence Grant

Four Loves

2009-02-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

The love for equals is a human thing---of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is loving and lovely. The world smiles.

The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing---the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.

The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing---to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich, of the black man for the white man. The world is always bewildered by its saints.

And then there is the love for the enemy---love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer. This is God's love. It conquers the world.

-Frederick Buechner
Source: The Magnificent Defeat

The Uses of Sorrow

2009-02-08T00:02:00.002-05:00

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

Source: Thirst by Mary Oliver

dylan in the basement

2009-02-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

my mom just recently sold her house and these three record albums, along with over a hunded others, were in a big wooden crate in a dark corner of her basement. the collection of albums from the 70s and 80s belong to my husband, steve, who couldn't bear to part with them even after most of them got damaged in a flood over 20 years ago.

in college (marshall university in huntington, w.va.), before i ever formally met steve, i had heard his very loud music blaring from the set of huge klipsch speakers in his small dorm room. i can't believe he got away with blasting his music like that - but i'm pretty sure that michelle, the resident advisor of laidley hall, our co-ed dorm, had a crush on him, and just "listened" the other way.
steve played a wide variety of music, including springsteen, the who, neil young, beatles, rolling stones, tom petty, and lots of bob dylan.
and bob dylan was one of the things that instantly connected steve and me. i thought it was pretty cool that he had so many of dylan's albums and he thought it was pretty cool that i knew most of dylan's lyrics by heart. before we started "dating", steve would send me dylan lyrics that he had penned on tea-stained paper - songs like tangled up in blue, girl of the north country, and love minus zero/no limit.

having trouble winding up this post - because it extends to the present on a long and winding road...so i'll just fade out singing the words my true love once wrote me:

Love Minus Zero/No Limit

My love she speaks like silence,
Without ideals or violence,
She doesn't have to say she's faithful,
Yet she's true, like ice, like fire.
People carry roses,
Make promises by the hours,
My love she laughs like the flowers,
Valentines can't buy her.

In the dime stores and bus stations,
People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.
Some speak of the future,
My love she speaks softly,
She knows there's no success like failure
And that failure's no success at all.

The cloak and dagger dangles,
Madams light the candles.
In ceremonies of the horsemen,
Even the pawn must hold a grudge.
Statues made of match sticks,
Crumble into one another,
My love winks, she does not bother,
She knows too much to argue or to judge.

The bridge at midnight trembles,
The country doctor rambles,
Bankers' nieces seek perfection,
Expecting all the gifts that wise men bring.
The wind howls like a hammer,
The night blows cold and rainy,
My love she's like some raven
At my window with a broken wing.

winter wonderland in waverly

2009-01-31T22:41:00.004-05:00

memory

2009-01-31T11:36:00.003-05:00

It is singular how soon we lose the impression of what ceases to be constantly before us. A year impairs, a luster obliterates. There is little distinct left without an effort of memory, then indeed the lights are rekindled for a moment --but who can be sure that the Imagination is not the torch-bearer?

-Lord Byron

life is sweet?

2009-01-11T09:40:00.009-05:00

This past week, i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. For some reason, this diagnosis is more upsetting to me than my cancer diagnosis over 5 years ago. i am insulin-dependent forever, the docs tell me, and have to adopt a very strict dietary regimen. i am still reeling from the finality of the news and the impact it will have on my life. before a few months ago - i didn't really understand what diabetes was and certainly didn't know the difference between types 1 and 2. here's an excerpt from an article i was given from my endocrinologist -

"Type 1 diabetes is a completely different disease than Type 2. Type 1 is an autoimmune disease of the insulin-producing beta cells of the pancreas. Scientists believe that it may be a virus that triggers the immune system to attack the cells and permanently destroy them. The pancreas can no longer make the insulin necessary to transport sugar from the blood into the other cells of the body for energy. Sugar builds up in the blood and over time can damage internal organs and blood vessels.

What does this mean to the person who is diagnosed? Someone who has Type 1 diabetes must take insulin everyday to survive. It becomes a delicate balance of finding the right amount of insulin necessary to keep the blood sugar level as close to normal as possible. The person with diabetes has to check their blood sugar levels often and then inject themselves with the correct amount of insulin to counteract the amount of sugar. This mimics the action of the pancreas.

This can be an overwhelming process for the newly diagnosed person, especially since Type 1 diabetes typically strikes children and young adults, although adults age 40 and older, can get Type 1. The onset of the disease happens quickly. As the insulin stops being produced and the blood sugar rises, this causes hyperglycemia. Several warning signs appear. Increased thirst, increased urination, fatigue, and blurred vision are a few of the most noticeable signs of Type 1 diabetes.

Frequently testing blood sugar levels helps to let you know how much insulin you will need to keep your levels as near to normal as possible. The usual times to test are: before meals, before bedtime and maybe one to two hours after meals or a big snack. Also test before you exercise because exercise will lower blood sugar also, and you don't want your blood sugar to drop too low either. This is called hypoglycemia.

For diabetes, when you eat is as important as what you eat. Eating meals that are approximately the same size and combination of carbohydrates and fats at the same time everyday helps to keep blood sugar regular and predictable. The best diet is one that is low in fat, low in salt and low in added sugars. Complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables are preferable over simple carbohydrates like sugary soft drinks and and candy.

Until the 1920's, when insulin was first discovered, people usually died from Type 1 diabetes. Today with all the advances of medicine that are available, a person diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes can live a relatively normal life. There are many adjustments that need to made and skills that need to be learned, but these can be incorporated into a daily routine, and can become just as automatic as brushing your teeth. Working with your doctors and a nutritionist will give you the tools you need."

this is going to be hard because i don't like following a schedule or counting carbs and calories. i don't like the idea of having to plan my meals and having dietary restrictions.

God keeps reminding me how much i need Him :)
i guess i have yet another opportunity to put the prayer from my prior post into practice.

i will trust you always

2008-12-31T10:27:00.007-05:00

A Prayer for the Journey

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. - Thomas Merton

the sentiment of my heart as i think about my life on this eve of a new year.
i took this picture while sitting on a rock in the middle of the stream - thinking about the same.

perspective alignment

2008-11-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

beauty in turbulence

2008-11-07T09:05:00.007-05:00

what to say on a day like today...
i feel so emotional because today i have reached a monumental goal - my 5 year cancer free mark. the odds of making it 5 years without a recurrence were not in my favor. but here i am.

i am not sure why 5 years is the magic number for surviving breast cancer. recently i was rejected from an insurance policy because they consider cancer a preexisting condition until you have been cancer-free for 10 years. But nevertheless, 5 years has optimistic statistical implications for those breast cancer patients, like me, who had the type that spread or metastasized.

i don't know why i got breast cancer. i don't know why i got the invasive type. i don't know why it had already spread beyond my breast and to my lymph nodes before i discovered the knot in my chest. i don't know why i was able to defy the odds when so many do not. so many things i don't understand.

but i don't have to.
it's okay to live among the mysteries and unanswered questions.

so much i do not know -
but i believe wholeheartedly in the sovereignty of God...
and i believe unreservedly in the power of prayer...
and i believe tenaciously in the reality of miracles.

the whole ordeal has taught me how to truly trust. my faith has grown exponentially.

i couldn't talk about it for a long time...just didn't want to "go there". i didn't want to draw attention to myself. looking back, i think i was in denial. i was so out of touch with my emotions that i couldn't even experience the expected emotions of fear, sadness, or even anger.
but once the hair fell out and my skin became sallow - i had to face it on my knees. and God was there...
and the prayers of so many clothed me with strength and serenity.

i wouldn't wish cancer on anyone - but i wouldn't change its collision with my world either.

it pried open locked doors
illuminated dark corners
cleaned the dirt from my perspective
made me free.

in the midst of a storm, it's hard to see. but God is at work there....making beauty in spite of the turbulence.

to all the jobs i loved before

2008-10-30T10:15:00.010-04:00

my first teaching job was at a small private christian college in nashville, tennessee. i had just got married to my husband, steve, and was 24 years old. i taught biology, anatomy, and kinesiology. i taught these classes while working on my masters in nutrition and exercise physiology at middle tennessee state university. even though i was busy, i loved teaching subjects that at the time, were completely fascinating to me. i was younger than many of my students but found most of them respectful and eager to learn.

after finishing my graduate work, my husband and i moved to antioch, a suburb of nashville. while he was taking post graduate classes, i got a great job as a cosmetics and fragrances rep at a large department store (Castner Knotts). i was in charge of several lines - like aramis, calvin klein, and chanel and worked on commission. i got to meet so many people (including Barbara Mandrell, Diamond Rio, Dolly Parton, Eddie Rabbitt, and more) and loved the fact that i was handsomely rewarded for my hard work.

then we got pregnant with my first son, mason, and wanted to move closer to home - not ALL the way home, but closer.....so we moved to dublin (columbus, ohio) where my sister rhonda and her husband, mike lived. steve had trouble finding a job right away - but i got hired on the spot when i went down to sign my apartment lease. i was 6 months pregnant and landed a job as the apartment manager and marketing contact...another commission based job that i was pretty good at.

after a year of living in dublin, the pastor at the church where i attended as a child and teenager offered steve and i an employment opportunity that we couldn't pass up. but we had to wear many hats to make enough money to make ends meet. steve served as associate pastor of the church, day care administrator and history teacher of the christian school...while i taught music and 2nd grade. i liked teaching second grade so much, in fact, that i went back to school to get my elementary certification.

a first grade job came open at waverly, but instead i got hired to teach elementary physical education. i was disappointed at first - but soon realized how incredibly lucky i was to have a job where i could wear sweats and tennis shoes and play with little kids all day. i worked as a p.e. teacher for about ten years. during that time, my husband and i, and a group of friends, started River Valley Community Church, where Steve is still the lead pastor. i also finished another master's degree in fine arts - and had a couple more sons:)

then i was diagnosed with cancer and had to take some time off from teaching. as i suffered through multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, i had serenity like never before. so many people were praying for me - the peace i felt was indescribable. i had time and space to be truly introspective. it was during this time when i began to pursue my artistic passions of painting and photography. i became enthralled with capturing moments in time - and being able to preserve the beauty of God's creation. when i am interested in something - it's full tilt! i've taken thousands of pictures since then and read every photography book i can get my hands on. plus i study the work of those who are a lot better than me - many who are my contacts on flickr.

okay - back to my working history.

when i went back to teaching at waverly five years ago, i taught as a 4th grade intervention teacher. i never thought i'd like working with kids with learning disabilities- but i was dead wrong. i loved the challenges and rewards of the job and became great friends with the girl with whom i "team-taught" - nancy. she and i worked so well together.

this year, i am an intervention teacher for third grade students and have my own room.
this pullout model is definitely different and i miss teaching with nancy, but i still love getting to work with kids who are struggling in the regular classroom. it is very rewarding. every little success is a celebration.
everyday when i walk into work, i am thankful. i have a wonderful job. i am making a difference for sure.

okay - what about photography? i started my photography business (jaki good photography) about 4 years ago. it started out small and has expanded to the point that i could quit teaching if i wanted to. i have more than enough business.
although i love teaching and am excited about it 90% of the time, there are days i'd just rather stay home. being an effective teacher takes quite a bit of mental energy and some days i just want to skip school and hike in the woods......

but photography always ALWAYS thrills me....on any given photoshoot,
1. i get to spend time with people - some who i know, some who i get to meet...

2. i get approximately two hours of exercise as i tromp over miles of hilly terrain, in and out of barns, up and down city streets, etc.

3. i get to capture and create timeless portraits that people will cherish for years.

4. i make good money :) so mason can go to wheaton!

people always wonder and ask me how i do it.
they think i may be overextending myself....

but those who know me best realize what joy both teaching and photography bring me. what some people may not realize is that photography energizies me....when i am taking pictures of people, weddings, of frogs in my koi pond - i am in FLOW (Flow is the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity. Proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi). It's a beloved hobby that has become a lucrative business. man am i lucky!!!
i am BLESSED - not STRESSED.

But with two fulltime jobs - something had to go -

so i chose housework :)

what a great trade -

a significant day

2008-10-23T21:43:00.009-04:00

i love to get lost....to follow roads past the boundaries of familiarity...to just keep driving. i have serendipitously learned that many backroads will lead you straight to the heart of nipgen!
i relish that feeling of having no idea where i am.
the openendedness thrills me.
so much to discover.
i am christopher columbus on quest for new land.
tonight i found a new road at scioto trails and followed it up, up, up through sparkling yellow woods, which kept luring me further and further with long, beckoning rays. i found the new world at 4:00pm but couldn't stay because i had a senior portrait session at 4:30pm.
i seriously want to camp. i nodded to a lone camper whose site was just south of the main campground. we exchanged that look that said - "this is the place to be".
this is a significant day.

self-portrait

2008-10-05T15:26:00.004-04:00

i rarely do self-portraits. and since i am the picture taker in most situations - there aren't a lot of pictures of me in our family scrapbooks.
so i took this picture of myself after church today.

this week i discovered i am diabetic....for those of you who know what this means (i didn't until this week), my glucose levels are consistently over 300 - whether i have fasted or not. I realize i have had this for a while but have misinterpreted what might be causing my symptoms.
this is the not so good news....

but here's some AMAZING GOOD NEWS -

my 5 year cancer free mark is coming up soon and i am filled with gratitude. So many people have prayed for me and I consider my survival a miracle.

so i won't let this new diabetes thing get me down.
Looking through my camera lens, i am constantly reminded of just how awesome He is.
Life is sweet (along with my blood sugar!)

football season!

2008-08-30T13:57:00.005-04:00

it's that time of the year! i love photographing high school football games. since i don't have a son playing this year (mason graduated in 2008 and carter is in 8th grade and Landre is in 3rd grade) i feel like i can really relax and enjoy the games. you can find more of my football pics here
go waverly!!

power of words

2008-08-24T02:56:00.003-04:00

thinking of passing time,
seasons of love,
measure of time,
how i miss my precious son, mason,
who is following his dreams,
a million miles away from here.

defending your life

2008-08-20T00:37:00.006-04:00

Defending Your Life is a romantic comedy about Daniel, an ad executive, who dies in a car collision and finds himself in Judgement City, defending his life before a celestial court. Daniel has five days to defend the way he lived his life in order to be allowed to move onward instead of going back to earth to live another one. As Daniel reviews his less-than-courageous life, he also enjoys the perks of Judgment City--the Past Lives Pavilion, all the food you can eat without any risk of weight gain--and Julia, the woman he's waited all his life to find. But if he can't prove his life wasn't governed by fear, Daniel has to go back--and Julia seems a shoo-in to move onward.

I love this movie....it's one I could watch over and over again. I don't believe in reincarnation - but do believe all of us will one day give an account for the life we lived here on earth.

While "defending his life", Daniel's defense lawyer showed scenes from Daniel's life to prove his worthiness to "move on" - while the prosecuting attorney showed scenes that proved Daniel was not ready.

There are some scenes from my life that I never want replayed...
bad choices...weak moments...cowardice and fear.
But like Julia (Meryl Streep), I have my brave, heroic scenes as well.
I have faced my fears and stared down the throat of my voracious hungers.
I will not be slave to anything - not to my past - not to my inadequacies -
not to my fears.

I have learned many lessons the hard way - by stumbling, falling.

I have been blessed with abundant mercy and grace and I want to be a blessing to others. God knows how many days I have left and I want to live everyday with the end in mind. I want to have more good scenes than bad ones.

missing mason

2008-08-18T01:24:00.007-04:00

i miss my boy. i want to rewind time and have that little boy on my lap again. mason has brought so much joy to my life.
my heart feels so heavy and i can't get rid of this lump in my throat.
he hasn't even been gone a week and i already miss him so much.
i know he's following his dreams. i know he's seeking God's will for his life.

but i still hurt. and i feel so sad.
i didn't anticipate this void.
i kissed mason goodnight every night - even if he was aleady asleep. sometimes i would just look at him while he was sleeping and wonder why God blessed me with such a wonderful boy.

all i can do now is pray for strength - and pray for mason, my beautiful boy. i have two little ones who are missing their big brother....and my husband, who keeps saving food for mason, temporarily forgetting that Mason won't be home to eat it.

i can't believe i feel so devastated.
i've been so blessed.....
but it's so hard to let go.

my boy

2008-08-12T13:53:00.007-04:00

Mason left for college today...he's going to Wheaton, a liberal arts college near Chicago. I thought I was ready....but I can't stop crying...the flood gates are open wide. I am so excited for him and know God has great things in store for him....and I know Mason is ready to leave the nest and fly...no doubts about that.

But the finality of this moment overwhelms me. He's leaving home today. He's starting a new chapter in his life without us.
Mason has brought so much joy into our lives - I couldn't ask for a better son. His love and devotion for God is so evident in his life...he has it so much more together than I did at his age.

This is one of those momentous occasions when parents start wondering - ,"Did I do my best....did I prepare my child for the precarious future?"
I have some regrets for sure....I wasn't a perfect parent. I had Mason when I was 26 years old and wasn't completely grown up myself. Steve and I "practiced" parenting on him. But God blessed our efforts to raise him in a real Christian home.

Mason is a passionate young man - gives 110% to causes he believes in. He has financially supported a child from a 3rd world country for several years now. He has such a heart for the spiritual welfare of his friends. He loves LOVES loves politics and knows so much about it that it's hard to debate him. Mason has never followed the crowd..he thinks for himself and really thinks things through. He can be impulsive (like his mom) but in a good, responsible way.

Mason has the best qualities of Steve and me - my passion and creativity coupled with Steve's integrity and commitment.

I am going to miss him so much. I love cooking for him and watching him play bass at in the worship band and play sports - soccer, football, basketball, track, and tennis.

Things have always come so easily for him, sports, school, learning something new, like french or guitar - but it's never gone to his head.

I know how blessed I am to have a son like Mason. I have thoroughly enjoyed raising him, teaching him and even learning from him.

But all that doesn't make today any easier. I have a heavy heart and a lump in my throat. Even though Mason left his bedroom a mess, it still seems hauntingly empty.

I know this is part of life - but right now, it's one of my least favorite parts.

a daring adventure

2008-07-18T01:45:00.006-04:00

i LOVE this quote from helen keller.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature,
nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

oh the things we do just to "avoid" danger or pain - rather than facing it squarely.
i can honestly say i want to feel it all - the hurt, the pleasure, the pain, the joy.....i am eliminating my creative anesthetics, one by one, and experiencing life in the raw.
man, it's messy and exhilarating simultaneously.

i'm all about the daring adventure.

fun at suella's

2008-06-22T09:30:00.008-04:00

suella throws great parties. i didn't get a picture of marsha, nancy, kim, or katrina (or me)..but pictured here are diane, paula, rhonda, laura, linda, suella, lori, and brenda. we had a wonderful time. thanks suella!
p.s. -diane is promoting a book written by a dog.
-laura's cleaning lady finds unlikely treasure.
-brenda and i ditch the caramel chewies for the toffee pecan bars.
-rhonda begs for more of laura's stories.
-rhonda has love/hate relationship with spicy cheese rolls
-linda is not answering her phone
-comparisons of dogs and men
-conversations about heavy boobs and mammograms
-lessons on allergies to fish that flop
-katrina doesn't get it

2008-06-09T01:21:00.000-04:00

i have so much to blog about.

the call to create

2008-03-31T12:52:00.003-04:00

art in a jar, originally uploaded by jaki good.

the call to create is at times a gentle urging in my life -
and some days it feels like a pressing need.
the call can overpower the clamor of a thousand voices
and can carry me on a magic carpet of hope and personal fulfillment.

God is so present in nature.
and in words.
and in us
and in the call to create.

blast from the past

2008-03-30T11:40:00.001-04:00

purple shoots, originally uploaded by jaki good.

today i received an email from an old friend.
i hadn't heard from her in many years.
things didn't end right - she was a faithful friend and i wasn't.
she was Christlike and selfless -
i was self-serving and broken.

the email brought immediate tears to my eyes.
she revealed she had been following my life through my online postings.
she related how she had been blessed through both my words and photos.

I feel overwhelmed with joy.
Her heart has looked beyond my mistakes in the same way God has.
Her response of grace points to my heavenly Father in such a powerful way.

In God's kingdom - there is no place for grudges...or regrets.

the reality of His kingdom is everywhere -
in the miracle of daffodil shoots pressing upwards through compacted sod
in the mystery of our eternal souls
in the mercy shown, grace extended from one who has experienced it herself.

My friend has not kept score.
She has given me a beautiful picture of God's wild love for me.

We never have to be stuck in the past...
We can venture on brand new paths..
we can dare to take the high road.

"good" f r i d a y

2008-03-21T23:45:00.001-04:00

"good" f r i d a y, originally uploaded by jaki good.

nothing more pivotal than this -
i am standing at his bloody feet and wondering why He loves me this much. Can He possibly know the countless mistakes i've made?

He knows the worst of me and is suffering the most excruciating pain and the most humiliating death because of the magnitude of my sin.

As i watch Him fight to fill His lungs, i am completely overtaken by regret....i can not deny that my rebellion presses the thorns deep into His brow. the utter folly of my selfishness now costs Him everything.

His body is broken and His blood is on my hands.
i am so guilty....i should be on that cross!

but He endures this Hell because He loves me......He's making a way for me....He's willingly taking my place.

the mystery is unfathomable.

this splintered and bloodstained cross becomes my tree of life.

oh how i love you Jesus.

Astonishing Light

2008-03-20T22:52:00.000-04:00

sunset at the pond, originally uploaded by jaki good.

I wish I could show you
when you are lonely
or in darkness
the astonishing light
of your own being.

-Hafiz

pastor steve with the RVCC shamrock girls

2008-03-15T18:53:00.001-04:00

Don't send a lame St. Patrick's Day eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

the color of organization

2008-03-13T20:57:00.006-04:00

things that make me happy, originally uploaded by jaki good.

today i decided to "clean" my bedroom. i can't describe what a monumental task this is. the last time i really cleaned it was July 2006, right before we left for vacation. and then it all went downhill from there. i could blame it on lots of things.
for one thing, i've gained weight and had to break down and buy bigger sizes (ugh!) but i couldn't bare to get rid of my smaller sized clothes - because i knew i'd get back into them........well now - almost two years later, i am no closer to getting into my old clothes and now many of them are out of style. so there's way too many clothes in my bedroom.
secondly, there's a ton of junk from cleaning other rooms in a hurry. if i need to clean the family room quickly for some reason, like company coming over, i go through the room with a shopping bag or laundry basket in hand. i throw everything that doesn't belong in the room into that bag or basket. then it goes to my bedroom. after repeating this process about 50 times on various mad cleaning sessions, my bedroom is completely trashed - full of bags and boxes of sundry items. there are more than 30 bags of junk i have to go through and about 10 laundry baskets full of ???.
it is very overwhelming - and i get sidetracked so easily....for example, today i spent a couple of hours organizing my art pencils and paints - by color familes!! perhaps i need therapy OR a really good maid.

s u r v i v o r

2008-03-10T00:02:00.002-04:00

s u r v i v o r, originally uploaded by jaki good.

i've been in the hospital for the last 4 days - with raging high fever and horrible pain...i was diagnosed with both pneumonia and cellulitius . Cellulitus is a nasty bright red skin rash caused by a bacterial blood infection. i had 3 different antibiotics flowing through 7 different IVs (my veins kept blowing, rolling whatever they do)
so they let me come home today with orders for three days bedrest, lots more antibiotics, and then more bloodwork on monday when i see my doctor.

in high school and college, i worshipped health. my body fat was so low in college that i stopped having periods. if i wasn't training for volleyball or track, i ran on my own. i grew my own sprouts. i sought a degree in premed/exercise physiology and couldn't get enough information about nutrition and exercise. and i was disciplined!....no fried foods, cookies, alcohol to touch my lips! i was the picture of health.
it was my idol...and a 24 inch waist my trophy.

okay God - i see where we're going here. and i am humbled.
the last five years of poor health (breast cancer, chemotherapy, hysterectomy, gall bladder surgery, and most recently pneumonia and raging cellulitus) has been one long hard to learn lesson.
i have had to accept that my worth is not dictated my shapely breasts or low body fat. who i am has nothing to do with the size of my waist or the cellulite (not to be confused with "cellulitus") on my butt.

it hasn't been easy.
i haven't been afraid of dying...but i have been terrified of living imperfectly.

i still struggle with sickness - it makes me feel out of control and weak. but i have learned so much and like myself so much better today - even though i am fat and out of shape.

the other day, i was watching tv with landre (my 8 year old) and out of the blue, he exclaimed, "Man i am so glad i am me!" that's the best thing a parent could hear - that her child loves himself as God created him to be.

and i need to love myself with this scarred and chubby body....
for you see
when i was healthy on the outside, i was sick on the inside.
when i was sick on the outside, God began healing me within.

i have been refined by fire.
i have bloomed despite unfortunate events.

i love you joanie

2008-02-26T21:55:00.007-05:00

my aunt joanie died this past weekend. she had been fighting pulmonary fibrosis for quite some time - but it was her heart that finally gave out. she owned and operated the local HR Block and actually worked the day she passed away.
i took this picture of my aunt joanie with her only grandchild about 6 months ago. she was truly an amazing woman. she hosted all of our family get-togethers - easter, 4th of july, thanksgiving, and christmas. she was the ultimate host and always thought of others more than herself. she was very fun to be around! i already miss her.
when i was in junior high and high school, i would always stay with joanie when her husband worked night shift. she was a scaredy cat and felt safer when i was there. i also was crazy about her two little kids, chris and courtney and helped joanie out by entertaining them.
i have countless memories of my beloved aunt.....but i will never forget the many times we hunted mushrooms together, picked blackberries together, and went fishing together.she loved me so much and made me know it.
i know joanie is in heaven - but i am still so sad.

LIVING IN THE NOW

2008-02-24T10:52:00.005-05:00

B L I S S, originally uploaded by jaki good.

bliss is living in the now - but easier said than done.
joy is savoring this very moment - being completely available to this present -
but haunting failures from the past and ambition drenched goals for the future
often suffocate the wonder of this very minute.

there is a certain safety in reliving the past or hiding out in "what could be"
but then we miss so much.

being available to the NOW is dangerous
because it brings both ecstatic joy and heartwrenching pain -
but it is true, gritty living.

i haven't always lived in the present and still struggle with it.
i am so adept at insulating myself from pain - i often slip out the back when it knocks at my front door.
i jet set to other places and leave the unwanted visitor unattended.
but when i return, they are still waiting for me to "deal" with them.
closing your eyes doesn't make you invisible.

i want to always embrace the now - and not miss the details.
the light filtering in this room, the sounds of Carter making up a new song back in the den,
the sound of Landre telling him to be quiet!,
the rise and fall of my chest as i breathe........

don't let the moment get away from me before i live in it.

A Splendid Torch

2008-02-21T00:46:00.002-05:00

This is the true joy in life,
the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
being a force of nature instead of a feverish,
selfish little clod of ailments and grievances,
complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community,
and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.
I want to be thoroughly used up when I die,
for the harder I work, the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake.

Life is no 'brief candle' to me.
It is a sort of splendid torch
which I have got hold of for the moment,
and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible
before handing it on to future generations.

Source: Man and Superman - George Bernard Shaw

i am ready to dance.

2008-02-19T07:48:00.004-05:00

g l e e, originally uploaded by jaki good.

i am ready for warm sun on my face. i love the four seasons but winter has had it's reign.
the spiritual parallel is just as true when the the world lies dormant -
but so more easily accessible when the robin sings and the forsythia branches left untrimmed dance in the wind.
i am ready to dance but the wind chill is forboding.

so i pray that my heart stays soft while the hard world is frozen.
and that my soul sings spring even when the birds are too cold to.

i am ready to dance.
so get out of bed already.

The Peace of Wild Things

2008-02-08T09:54:00.001-05:00

g r e a t b l u e, originally uploaded by jaki good.

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Source: The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

Standing in Mystery

2008-02-04T08:24:00.000-05:00

Well schooled in a false sense of control, we usually cling to the illusion of power as we struggle with the paradoxes of life.
Each of us knows those times when we dig in our feet, stiffen our body, tighten our jaw and demand rational explanations for unexplainable events.
Granted, we must take an active, assertive stance in our journey of life, making conscious choices from a place of truth and insight.
Yet, as we encounter experiences for which there are no answers, no rational explanations or solutions, we arrive at a point where, in faith, we are asked to stand in a Mystery that far exceeds our human understanding.

Source: Journey of the Soul - Doris Klein

d r i f t

2008-02-04T01:37:00.001-05:00

your love is a river that keeps me moving,
pushes me to change,
coaxes me to enlightenment.
you carry me when i cannot stand,
and teach me the secret of surrender.
your love powers my journey,
a flux of hopes and dreams,
a flood of crystalizing and undeniably spiritual encounters.

oh to drift in the certainty of you, to be taken like a leaf on the rill -
relinquishment is exhilarating
acquiescence divine.

please don't eat my mom's hair!

2008-01-29T11:15:00.000-05:00

i had a recurring childhood dream....sometimes the details would change - but the ending was always the same....my dad, my sister, and me ended up in this particular alley where something horrible was happening. our mom was trapped under our toy spring riding horse....the horse kept oscillating from inanimate object to ferocious beast....and it was eating the hair from my mom's head. if that wasn't horrific enough, we couldn't help her. it's like we were paralyzed - we couldn't move or even feel. my dad stood between me and my little sister, holding our hands - but there was nothing we could do to help as the horse consumed her hair, lock by lock.
often i would awake from this dream in complete panic and with that ache that swells up in your throat. i'd run to my mom and dad's bedroom to make sure they were okay.
i had this dream over and over again - and never understood why. even in college when i learned a little about interpreting dreams, my childhood recurring nightmare still didn't seem to have any meaning....

after my bout with malignant breast cancer and the untimely death of my father - i have some possible interpretations for my crazy dream......
i look so much like my mom - maybe it was me under that hair-eating horse...maybe the horse was cancer which rendered me bald with its jaws of disease.....and there was nothing anyone could do about it...nothing i could do....utter helplessness....

or maybe the dream speaks of being paralyzed....because that is how i feel when it comes to helping my mom with her pain concerning dad's death...my dad can't help because he isn't physically on earth - my sister and i can't help - we are paralyzed because we haven't come to terms with the tragic loss either....
so i put ambesol on my heart to numb the pain - just like in the dream -

i love my mom so much.
i wish i could take her pain away - but i would have no place to put it...
except in God's hands....

when i was younger - it took a lot before i would turn things over to God - but now, either i have grown in wisdom or am just lazy and/or tired - but i give things to Him quickly. i've learned from experience how royally i can botch things up without Him.

the picture is my mom with three of her 7 grandkids. can you see by looking what kind of grandmother she is? she goes to all their games and dances and competitions!

i love my mom very much.

this blog entry has no coherency.
but then again, neither do i.

legacy of joy

2008-01-28T02:46:00.000-05:00

my dad was the happiest person i've ever known. when i was a little girl, i always felt so proud to be his daughter. i'd go with him to the grocery store and watch as he was so kind to people. he had this way of making people feel good. he loved to make people laugh. this old photo of my dad jumping off the diving board pretty much sums up his take on life. he never took himself too seriously and always managed to keep his priorities straight.

my youngest son landre loves to play board games - like The Game of Life
and Monopoly (not the jr. edition). he always wants me or steve to play Chess or Stratego or Gin Rummy. and i hate to admit this - but we are just too busy to play games with landre every night.....
my dad wasn't ever too busy to play games with me and rhonda. i have countless memories of sitting at the kitchen table playing Yahtzee, Go for Broke, Masterpiece, etc. Mom wasn't much for games, but while she did laundry, made dinner, and cleaned, she allowed Dad to play with us.
i think about how many times i have to limit steve and landre's wrestling matches because i need help! my mom was very generous in allowing Dad to "waste all evening" playing games with his two little girls.
so when landre pleads for just one chess match - it is often the memory of my dad that prompts me to drop what i am doing and play with him. i want my kids to have the same type of memories that me and rhonda were so fortunate to have.

i know my dad is in heaven - i know the angels have already fallen in love with him. because everyone who knew my dad loved him. isn't that remarkable? to live life without ever making any enemieswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
sleepy ness

but i miss him so much. my heart aches because my kids are missing out on his wonderful influence. my heart aches for my mom who lost her lover, companion, and soulmate. my heart aches for my sister rhonda who i know still grieves his loss.

this may sound very freaky - and i am sure it doesn't fit into correct thelogy - but sometimes i do sense his presence. sometimes i think i smell his cologne - out of nowhere - i'll get this wonderful whiff of him. and then, my middle son carter reminds all of us so much of Dad. his build and his zany sense of humor, his big heart and love of life.

tomorrow - i promise to have=======
falling asleepppppppppppkk\
tomorrow - i promise to have incoherent - lala land
over rr and out ,

no picture

2008-01-27T04:48:00.000-05:00

it's 4:49.
i am watching "music from the heart" and bawling my eyes out. i've seen it before - but tonight - i mean today - it's moving me so much. i know i talk about photography quite a bit - and i can't deny the fact that i am just wild about photography and how God had so generously given me this gift - this opportunity....
but maybe you didn't know how very blessed i consider myself to be a teacher. it's been two weeks since i've been at school (recovering from a gall bladder operation) and i miss my students so much. from the trio of boys who get my ice for my water everyday to the ones who love to help me keep my work area spic -n- span. i miss the ones who ask me a thousand questions (often the same ones) everyday.
and 4th grade is the best!!! we do have those crazy proficiency tests :( but i love this age group - they are funny! they get my jokes!!! but they're still sweet - haven't started that jr. high attitude thing yet.
and to top it all off - i get to work with one of my very best friends nancy. she is so good to me.
it's a blessing - i tell you - to have the chance to spend 9 months with a kid - you can make a big difference in 9 months! i am not always the most organized teacher - my principal recently gave me a great review (but he noted my tendency to get off-topic - heehee) but i really love all my students. they are these little people who will go on to possibly make a difference in the world.
right now - i think back to my elementary school years - i had a few really mean teachers - but thank God i had a few teachers who provided a safe and loving environment. i'll never forget mrs. bevens who let us spend the night with her!!!!! and mrs. levier who made me believe i was really smart and mr. burkitt who could have written the book on how to be an effective teacher.
i want my students to always look back on 4th grade with a smile on their face. i want them to learn - and achieve - and pass the dang proficiency test!!! but honestly - more than that - i want them to know how much they are valued - i want them to love who they are. -
okay i am really tired.
i am still sore from the surgery - a couple places that aren't healing right. i see my surgeon on tuesday - hopefully he'll give me the thumbs up to return to work. i think steve is really ready for me to go back!!!
i have been showered with flowers and cards and homemade chicken noodles - and i am so very thankful for the love and thoughtfulness of friends.
good night.

Glenda's Soup

2008-01-20T19:38:00.001-05:00

Soup Kitchen, originally uploaded by glenda.suebee.

my precious friend glenda visited me yesterday and brought me a quart of homemade chicken vegetable soup. it was undoubtedly the best soup i've ever eaten!! i'm not kidding! i savored every bite and was sorry when it was gone!
if glenda opened a soup bistro here in waverly - i'd be a frequent customer - of course i'd get a double benefit of getting to see her too!
i know i tend to exaggerate and have a flair for the dramatic - BUT this soup is to die for!
she handmashes potatoes and sweet potatoes which gives the soup a wonderful, slightly sweet flavor, and makes it more filling and hearty. i'm not a big meat eater - but the little chunks of chicken were tender and delectable. i liked how there was just a hint of chicken.
she included her recipe on her blog today - it's one of those recipes that makes you hungry just reading it!!

thank God for taste buds
thank God for good food
thank God for sweet friends

Are You Left-Brained or Right-Brained?

2008-01-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

The brain is composed of two hemispheres, known as the left and right hemisphere. While each hemisphere has unique functions, both hemispheres possess the ability to analyze sensory data, perform memory functions, learn new information, form thoughts, and make decisions.

The way you use these abilities determines a large part of your personality and behavior. By the time you are two years old, one hemisphere begins to dominate your decision-making process. Communication between the two halves is possible due to the corpus callosum and this process continues to improve until the age of 15.

The left hemisphere specializes in analytical thought. It is responsible for dealing with "hard" facts such as abstractions, structure, discipline, rules, time sequences, mathematics, categorizing, logic, rationality, and deductive reasoning. It is also responsible for details, knowledge, definitions, planning, goals, words, productivity, efficiency, science, technology, stability, extroversion, physical activity, and the right side of the body. Left hemisphere ability is the predominant focus in school and society.

The right hemisphere specializes in "softer" aspects than the left hemisphere. The right hemisphere is responsible for intuition, feelings, sensitivity, emotions, daydreaming, visualizing, creativity, color, spatial awareness, and first impressions. It is also responsible for rhythm, spontaneity, impulsiveness, the physical senses, risk-taking, flexibility and variety, learning by experience, relationships, mysticism, play and sports, introversion, humor, motor skills, and the left side of the body. The right hemisphere also has a holistic method of perception that is able to recognize patterns and similarities and combines those elements into new forms.

The Brain Type Test will determine which half is your dominant half, and to what degree. The test consists of 54 questions and may be completed in about 10 minutes. After completing the test, you will be given your free left and right brain score. You will also be given a small detailed paragraph explaining the characteristics that are associated with your dominant side.

Click HERE
The Brain Type Test
Take the test...and see if the results shed some creative light for you! I'd love to hear about your brain!! please post your results here - it would make me happy!

HERE ARE MY RESULTS:
Left Brain......25%
Right Brain......75%

You are more right-brained than left-brained. The right side of your brain controls the left side of your body. In addition to being known as right-brained, you are also known as a creative thinker who uses feeling and intuition to gather information. You retain this information through the use of images and patterns. You are able to visualize the "whole" picture first, and then work backwards to put the pieces together to create the "whole" picture. Your thought process can appear quite illogical and meandering. The problem-solving techniques that you use involve free association, which is often very innovative and creative. The routes taken to arrive at your conclusions are completely opposite to what a left-brained person would be accustomed. You probably find it easy to express yourself using art, dance, or music.

broadway babes prayer

2008-01-13T23:21:00.000-05:00

tonight, the broadway babes saw "The Wedding Singer" at the Palace Theatre in Columbus.
i always look forward to the monthly broadway excursion with my friends.
tonight the four of them held my hands and prayed for me.
tomorrow i have ANOTHER SURGERY!!!!
four years ago i had several lumpectomies and eventually a bilateral mastectomy due to malignant breast cancer that had made its evil way into my lymph nodes.
then i had surgery to get a chemotherapy port places in my chest wall.
two years ago i had a complete hysterectomy...
and tomorrow i will get my gallbladder removed.

i am brave.
i am not an anxious person.
but in the last five years, surgeries have brought bad news.
and so i guess i'm a little afraid.

Dr. Mong (HAHA - lots of words rhyme with mong - inside joke) will attempt to remove my gallbladder tomorrow without a huge incision. i'll let you know how it goes.

i'd rather have the love of friends than a million dollars.

mason can vote!

2007-12-27T10:44:00.000-05:00

mason turned 18 today. very hard to believe. i remember the look on his sweet little face when he was first swaddled as a newborn. he immediately became calm and wide-eyed - and has been taking it all in ever since.
i'll write more later.

a brother day

2007-12-23T03:09:00.000-05:00

usually carter and landre fight like cats and dogs - but life is sprinkled with these magical moments when their love for one another shines, when they relish one another's company and are truly glad to be brothers.
today is one of those days.
a marvelous day - a snow day - a brother day.

manna from heaven

2007-12-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

i am delirious with the soft falling of snow on my face...
God's daily dose of inspiration
descending in white frozen flakes today.
He always provides rest for my heart, food for my soul.
sometimes it comes through technicolor dreams.
sometimes it arrives with scarlet wings at my window.
today it blankets my space with soft, white snow.
and i am reveling in this silence -
this mystical freezing of noise and time.

sometimes i feel so deliciously whole

but then the snow melts and unleashes muddy rivers.
i fear unraveling.
as walls are destructed one by one, will my foundation hold me?

i long for His wisdom....
it's not always clear if i'm laboring in my own vanity or on the solid rock that is unmovable.
but i want to make my days count for eternity....
i want my life to have a pleasing scent....

and to do that, i need many moments in the quiet snow.

Don't You Sense Me?

2007-12-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

I am, you anxious one.

Don't you sense me, ready to break
into being at your touch?
My murmurings surround you like shadowy wings.
Can't you see me standing before you
cloaked in stillness?
Hasn't my longing ripened in you
from the beginning
as fruit ripens on a branch?
I am the dream you are dreaming.
When you want to awaken, I am that wanting.
I grow strong in the beauty you behold.
And with the silence of stars I enfold
your cities made by time.

Source: Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

it takes time to walk with God

2007-12-18T00:56:00.000-05:00

"It is true that for many people the demands upon their lives are so great that only careful planning in terms of a workable time table can see them through. Even where the demands are not great and overwhelming, the economy, the efficiency of an established way of functioning, is undeniable. The purpose of such a pattern is not merely to accomplish more work and with dispatch, but it is to increase the margin of one's self that is available for the cultivation of the inner life. It takes time to cultivate the mind. It takes time to grow in wisdom. It takes time to savor the qualities of living. It takes time to feel one's way into one's self. It takes time to walk with God."

Source: The Inward Journey

pilgrimmage

2007-12-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

We simplify our lives.
We live gladly with less.
We let go the illusion that we can possess.
We create instead.
We let go the illusion of mobility.
We travel in stillness. We travel at home.
By candlelight and in stillness,
In the presence of flowers,
We make our pilgrimage.
We simplify our lives

lover of snow days

2007-12-05T14:54:00.001-05:00

lover of snow days, originally uploaded by jaki good.

landre, my 2nd grader, who usually whines and complains all the way to school about being cold and tired, was up and at 'em today at 7am and was out in the snow by 9 am. other than coming inside for a quick lunch break, he and his brother carter have been sledding and playing in the snow all day.
the two of them wore their pajamas inside out last night in hopes of a blessed snow day and when they got their wish early this morning they did a very funny snow day dance.
in this season of commercialism and materialism, i've been trying to drill into my kids' heads the importance of gratitude and generosity. today landre grinned at me while rolling in the snow and said, "Mom, I am VERY GRATEFUL for snow days!!" WEll maybe I'm teaching them something =)

thank you

2007-11-22T12:43:00.000-05:00

the color of my life

2007-11-09T10:28:00.001-05:00

i haven't blogged for a while but have been keeping a journal. that bird is back - the one in the top of the sycamore tree that sings spiritedly on my walk into the school building. just as the breathtaking show of autumn color came to a closing, the happy singing bird returned to serenade me on my way to work!

i love to breathe - to inhale the new and exhale the old. i try to breathe so deeply that all my alveoli become filled - and i visualize the miraculous physicality of breathing - a parable for God's spirit in me. i see the black replaced with white and the drabs replaced with brilliant hues.

O give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures for ever.
—1 Chronicles 16:34

i made some intelligent choices in my life - had glimpses of the "big picture" and acted accordingly to that truth. but WOW! i have also made STUPID choices founded on maximum selfishness, empty brokenness, haunting fear.

and when you realize that the beautiful color in your life is just outrageous generosity from the Creator of the Universe - gratitude abounds!

and when you grasp the truth that every moment is a given moment - you want to SAVOR them, taste them, enjoy them.

so when you get what you don't deserve - it's a real good thing. (lyrics from newsboys)

O God, when I am feeling self-sufficient and proud, help me to remember that nothing I am or have is of my own creating, and let me always be ready to give you thanks.

h a r m o n y

2007-10-19T14:40:00.001-04:00

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us
through Jesus your son:
Look with compassion on the whole human family;
take away the arrogance and hatred which infect our hearts;
break down the walls that separate us; unite us in bonds of love;
and work through our struggles and confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth; that, in your good time, all nations and races may serve you in harmony
around your heavenly throne;
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

from the Book of Common Prayer

I've been tagged!

2007-10-08T19:35:00.000-04:00

My friend Charlene tagged me over the weekend with a You Make Me Smile Award - I'm supposed to describe myself using the letters of my name.

J- Joyful
A- Artistic
K- Kinetic
I- Intuitive

Here are some Blogs that Make Me Smile! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do...

Notes from Songbird Lane
Scenes from a Charmed Life
Road to Total Growth - Body, Mind, and Spirit
Dancin' Queen

sophie - sugar and spice

2007-10-04T14:40:00.001-04:00

nostalgia

2007-10-04T11:29:00.000-04:00

i took my niece sophie's pictures yesterday. she will be the flower girl in a wedding in a couple of weeks, and my sister Rhonda wanted me to take sophie's picture in the dress.
i had so much fun with sophie - she's such a sweetheart. we had a perfect evening for pictures - not too hot or humid - and a wonderfully overcast sky. we were aimimg for a "vintage" look, an the atmospheric conditions certainly cooperated.
when i got home and finally got to view the pictures i had taken,

they made me smile...
i realized how very much i love this liitle girl - how much i love all four of my sister's kids...a family bond is a powerful thing.

AND viewing the pictures of sophie
made me cry...
i realized how much sophie reminds me of my sister. all four of mike and rhonda's kids look alike - that's because rhonda and mike look like brother and sister!...but i've always thought sophie looked the most like rhonda - and wow! these images prove that! as i played the pictures i took of sophie as a slideshow - it took me back to the early seventies - to 208 st. mary's lane....
the memories of my little sister rushed in - her freckled sunburnt nose, her white blonde pageboy haircut, her sundresses and purses. she always carried around a purse (but she couldn't pronounce her 'R's very well so it was funny to hear her refer to them)
i can still see her playing with her barbies on her bedroom floor...she'd pretend for hours....she was always so clean and organized - so well-behaved in school - traits the oldest sibling is supposed to get (our birth order must be mixed up - she's responsible - i am not - she is organized - i just wish i was - she is good - i am a rebel - and on and on)
i could go on for hours about specific memories i have of my little sister who looked identical to how sophie looks now....
but suffice it to say i feel so blessed to have a sister. i love rhonda and have never questioned her love for me.
i am so glad God gave me sons (He knew what He was doing) - but I wouldn't trade my nieces for anything.
click HERE to see more sophie pics.

the flying squirrel

2007-09-28T19:07:00.000-04:00

thanks to glenda's husband jim who knew exactly how much to scratch the wildlife boxes to nudge the critters out,
i was able to see and photograph two flying squirrels!!!! yippee!!

and i got to see them "fly" between trees!!!
(but i couldn't get a picture of that)

man! this is a great day!

miracle in the 4th grade

2007-09-28T14:42:00.001-04:00

today our entire class got to witness the emergence of a monarch from her seafoam green, gold trimmed chrysalis. H A L L E L U J A H!
the kids may forget today's lessons on commas, reading and writing large numbers to the billions, and getting in trouble in library class.... But they will NOT FORGET the miracle we witnessed in our classroom and i praise God for that!

also - i got fairly good news about my tumor marker results -
looks like i squeaked by with no new cancer growth for another year...
as a result of my treatments, my bones have lost significant density and my cholesterol has raised 75 points and i have gained 70 pounds.
but i am alive!!
Y A H O O !!!
today after school, my friend doris and i will get to see and photograph glenda's flying squirrels!! and the monarch profusion at lake white.....

and then tonight at the football game, i'll get to watch my son Mason kick the football very far with his long, strong legs.
and then i'll get to make out with my handsome husband and eat pizza with the kids (i'll probably eat the pizza first)

see - i am blessed!!

cancer schmancer

miracles surround me.
life is exciting.

i can't stop crying those happy kind of tears.

prayer for this day

2007-09-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Gracious Lord,
when my heart fills with compassion,
let me empty it freely and without fear.
when my heart swells in awe of You,
let me somehow pass it along.
Amen.

nancy yvonne

2007-09-21T14:50:00.000-04:00

i teach with nancy everyday. we team-teach an inclusion classroom (students with IEPs learning together with students with no learning difficulties). it's very challenging - but incredibly rewarding. the situation is good for both the kids who are struggling AND for the kids who are doing great. i've taught with her now for over four years. we share similar philosophies to teaching and we both love our students very much and try to stretch each one of them to meet their potential. The kids feel very valued and safe in our room.
i could go on and on - but the subject of this blog entry is nancy.
she has become one of my very best friends. she has a heart of gold and is one of the kindest people i know. we can be transparent with one another and try to help each other grow in relationship to God. i feel so blessed to work with someone who i like and respect so much. she is so pretty and she doesn't even know it. she is very intelligent but doesn't make anyone feel stupid. and she's very, very funny.

today, in the middle of a social studies continent review game - nancy posed this riddle to our 4th grade class - "if you are American in the kitchen and Asian in the family room, what are you in the bathroom...?" EUROPEAN!! get it - you're a peein'! the kids (and me) howled with laughter.

i love her.

a prayer for the BIG picture

2007-09-19T10:39:00.000-04:00

a prayer for today:
God - You have never forsaken me.
I have been selfish, rebellious, and even apathetic -
but you won't let go of me.
Your intoxicating love is as sure as the breath
i move in and out of my lungs.
You are patient, loving, and kind
and see beyond my self-preoccupation and limited vision.
I want to trust you RADICALLY.
Free me from Plato's cave.
Help me live this day and every day in the BIG picture -
in the willingness to spend my moments in your perfect vision.
Keep my mind and heart big.
Enable me to stay focused on You.

AMEN

p.s. and help me drop about 50 pounds!

featured on imagekind!!

2007-09-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

wow! i just discovered that i am a featured artist on imagekind - the venue in which i sell my photographs as matted and framed fine art prints. go here to see for yourself!
here's a partial screen grab....

a beautiful mind

2007-09-11T17:05:00.000-04:00

grandma copeland had a heart attack on monday, sept.10, 2007. she was alone in her own home when the black cloud touched her...my aunt rita found her hours later curled up in a small ball on her bed. she survived the heart attack just like she survived the copperhead bite a decade ago. she is 4 foot 10, 90 years old, and the strongest woman i know.
my grandpa copeland was her best friend, fishing buddy, scrabble partner, lover, and soul mate. when he died 20 years ago - her heart never recovered. loneliness engulfed her like a hurricane....but she pressed on - and had to endure the death of her first son and my father, lewie copeland. i never saw my grandma so frail as she seemed at daddy's funeral. my dad was the spiritual epicenter of the family....raised in an unchurched family, he found God when he was sixteen and walked nearly 6 miles every sunday to learn more about Jesus. i will never forget the joy in his eyes when he witnessed grandma copeland being baptized at the age of 83 by his two sons-in-laws - my husband steve and my brother-in-law mike..

i am so sad. my grandma is losing her mental capabilities quite suddenly. about a month ago, i spent a couple of hours with her while i waited on carter to take care of his 4-h pigs. she loves carter so much....but i think she believes him to be my dad. she called him "bub" a couple of times - which is what his family called Dad. when carter walked through to get a popsicle from the freezer, grandma talked about how carter's mom didn't like him eating junk - so i had to tell grandma that i WAS carter's mom. it made her sad and embarrassed.
as we talked, i realized how she was losing it. when i was growing up, my grandma amazed me. she and my grandpa lived a little like the beverly hillbillies but they were both off the charts intelligent. no one could beat either of them at scrabble. the two of them would play for hours, very evenly matched. she was a wonderful paradox of bologna sandwiches and fishing alongside trips to europe and asparagus beds. she was always joyful and funny. she was very funny.

but during our conversation - she talked about people who weren't there and painfully searched for words and logic that refused to be found in her 90 year old brain.

this great woman raised my father. she taught him what was important in life and he taught her that God was bigger than the circuit riding preachers. she never took life too seriously - but she lived it with gusto. she passed on a legacy of balance and joy.

and now my heart hurts as she picks at invisible hairs in her food and points at invisible strangers in the corners of her hospital room.

she deserves integrity and respect, not dementia and disease.

life is beautiful

2007-09-07T10:45:00.000-04:00

landre (the youngest of my three sons) loves to paint. he takes after me on this one. his paintings must have purpose and meaning, though - where i prefer impressionistic or even abstract creations. painting is one thing that will drag landre away from the computer. i love to watch him work and think....
for this painting he wanted a "still life". so i went out and picked some salmon colored gerbera daisies and put them in a blue grooved ceramic vase. landre was pleased with the subject. he is learning to paint what he sees and not what he thinks he sees. i am still learning that valuable lesson too.

on the way to school today, we talked about perspective. he was complaining about school. he said, "the kids in my class look smart - but they ask the same questions over and over!" and "school is too long! we could learn the stuff in an hour if everyone just stayed focused!"

i tried to give him a pep talk about perspective....i related it to painting - how perspective means everything. i reminded him he might as well be happy about school because he will be going for the next 14 years (at least). and then after school - there's work. i told him adults don't always want to go to work but they have to.

landre looks at me with his big blue eyes and says, "is this supposed to be cheering me up?"

he's a riot!!

and i told him how i always make the best of even bad situations - reminded him of the movie "life is beautiful" where the dad made life in a german holocaust camp as a game for his little 7 year old boy so the boy wouldn't know the horror of the truth. once again, landre says, "Mom - it's not working - just let me be depressed."

today i can't keep smiling thinking of my sweet boy who can't be talked into a good mood and who likes to paint.

life IS beautiful.

portrait photography

2007-09-06T06:44:00.000-04:00

i have been reflecting on my life, my desires, my drives. even though at times, i feel a little out of control (i.e i spent $2000 for a camera lens and $800 for the car i am driving which still has school junk from may in the back seat!!) but undoubtedly my life is fulfilling! i love teaching, especially kids with some special learning needs....it's incredibly rewarding. i confess i would ideally like to teach from 8 to noon - however! and my other job - photography! well it doesn't seem like a job at all. i am so passionate about every aspect of it - from being with people, capturing their uniqueness, editing the images, turning them into art. i LOVE it!

a good friend asked me why i love it so. she asked, "i know you love it, but tell me all the reasons why.........are you sure this isn't just a profitable way to engage in your people pleasing mentality?"

fair enough question - and a welcome inquiry coming from someone who cares enough about me to ask....

so i've been thinking -

i love having the unique opportunity to be in people's lives - to follow little kids around for a couple of hours and enjoy their silliness and innocence along with their parents. i love getting to celebrate love while shooting a wedding - to be a part of such a momentous occasion - to be able to experience the joy of newlyweds - their first kiss, their first dance......lucky me!

i love the challenge of endeavoring to capture the essence of a personality - the newness of a newborn, the individuality of a high school senior. along with that, i am driven to find the very best light, the most flattering angle, the perfect expression. sometimes it's tough - but i love the quest! everyone is beautiful - sometimes the beauty isn't so obvious - sometimes it is like treasure to discover...sometimes it's blatant - like the outrageous magenta water lilies blooming in my pond right now....but even gorgeous flowers have their best sides...

and the artist in me loves bring those digital pixels into my computer and study them - fiddle with them - turn them into works of art. editing pictures gives me the same thrill as does painting.....creating.

and i love it when my portraits make people happy - when a parent almost cries because i have captured the treasured expression of their toddler....
i want them to LOVE the pictures.....
not so they will think i am great....
i want them to have a memory - to bring some happiness into their lives that will last even beyond the present.

the roller coaster of time never stops - except in a photograph.
i love to be a part of that.

awake i am at 7 am

2007-08-24T07:45:00.000-04:00

here comes the sun! AAARRRRGH!!
oh no! it's back to school today! hope i can stay awake during all the meetings!
this picture is of a flower that landre grew himself.
in his first grade class, he painted a flower pot for me for mother's day and brought home a pack of sunflower seeds. the moment he got home, he filled the pot with potting soil and planted a seed. he watered it everyday for three months and today - the day i return to school - it blooms. it made going back to work a little easier!

orbit on the edge

2007-08-20T01:05:00.000-04:00

i spoke to the old man in the elevator. i didn't watch the numbers. i may never see him again on this earth and i wanted him to know he was my brother. i struck up a conversation about getting lost on my way to my doctor's office. he nodded with understanding and halfway smiled.
and then a day later in walmart - i felt like people passed me, circled me, surrounded me. faces - crying babies, frantic mothers, everyone spinning...and i am catapulted back to first grade - spinning wildly on the merry-go-round. i'd always sit in the middle so i could watch the others spin, pretend i was the sun in my solar system and all these strange planets revolved around me.
it's a catastrophic day when one realizes she is not the center - that she's just a planet - perhaps only one of many moons - maybe a mere asteroid...or cosmic dust whirling about - a miniscule orbiting ion.
but then - how liberating and what a relief! i am not holding this thing together! but what i am is connected to everything else - my brothers and sisters - the earth and sky, the wind and the rain..the old man on the elevator - the boy who mixed my paint.

4 years cancer free

2007-08-10T14:50:00.001-04:00

4 years ago i found a knot in my right chest wall. i wasn't worried but i should have been. i had a lumpectomy that revealed malignant cancer..next they tried a quadrilectomy (removing one fourth of the breast)but that procedure still didn't get it all. the cancer was identified as an invasive lobular malignancy - stage 3 which is quite advanced. so after the initial two surgeries which weren't effective, i had to have a full mastectomy. i also had some lymph nodes from my armpit removed to determone if the cancer had spread beyond the breast to the lymph nodes. i wasn't worried but i should have been. the results came back positive for cancer. it had spread to my lymph system which is very bad news. the pathology report indicated widespread infestation of the invasive lobular cancer (one of the most dangerous and aggressive types)5-7 cm in diameter. this news was bad in every way. my statistical chances of surviving were poor. i had the other breast removed because of suspicious tissue found in it. i had a chemotherapy port put in my left chest wall so the strong chemo regimen wouldn't destroy my vascular system. i had to have heart tests to determine if my heart could withstand the powerful chemo drugs they planned to use. my chemo cocktail was the most toxic, aggressive type used (ACT). the A drug is referred to as the red devil because it is so toxic - my chemo nurses wore thick rubber gloves when injecting it into me. i received the treatment every three weeks for 7 mos. all of my hair fell out on the 13th day. after each treatment i would have 2 or 3 very sick days, followed by a week of feeling like i had the flu, followed by a week of feeling okay. then the process was repeated all over again. i developed sores in my mouth and damage to my cornea (eyes). i lost my eyebrows and lashes and had bruised fingernails and very dry skin. because my cancer was estrogen responsive, i had to have a complete hysterectomy (cervix,uterus,ovaries) and i can never take estrogen supplementation because it feeds the cancer cells. so i continually endure cold turkey surgical menopause which according to doctors is ten times worse than regular menopause. i am always hot - have gained weight in weird places - all kinds of strange symptoms. my chemo nurse was an angel from heaven. she prayed for me before every treatment, asking God to protect my good cells while killing the cancer cells (thank you missy). a friend had a thoughtful gift waiting for me at every chemo appointment. those gifts were such a blessing to me (thank you amy). and hundreds of people prayed for me and sent me cards and helped me in many ways, from cooking meals for my family to painting my not so white picket fence (thank you friends).
cancer was a blessing. my life slowed down to a point where i could get a grip on it. i began to truly enjoy life - every minute of it. i learned to play guitar, paint, and improved my photography skills. i learned to never postpone joy. i am grateful for friends who were willing to "waste time" with me. i am thankful for the invaluable life lessons i learned.
next year will be 5 years!
God has been with me every step of the way.
My true friends have stood beside me through the physical and emotional pain.

my hair began to grow back 3 months after my last chemo treatment. it came in wiry and dark - so i dyed it blonde.
my bout with cancer made me closer to the person God has always intended me to be.

bless the broken road

2007-08-03T12:40:00.000-04:00

last night i had a dream that shook me - the kind of dream that so closely shadows reality that upon awakening, it becomes difficult to distinguish between the two...the kind of dream that opens my pandora's box with its ethereal hands. there are certain chapters of my life that i don't care to read again - books which are locked and placed high on the shelf...
but in my dreams - there are no rules, there is no repression and no privacy.
my history becomes open game as unwanted visitors come knocking at my door.
memories get shuffled in the cosmic mix, good ones and awful ones, spiraling together to create a story that i am forced to watch from the chains of my slumber.
in the same way that a powerful book or riveting movie can stay with you for a few hours or even days, so can the loaded plot from one of my dreams, especially the kind i had last night.
it was such a jumbled story of faces from my past and present, and perhaps a few from my future.....there were rooms from one house that got mixed in rooms from another - and there was a no trespassing road, a broken road where spiritual foes fought for my soul. scary stuff.
but a constant comforting character was my father, my sweet and precious daddy who was always watching over me. i saw him last night, heard his voice, even smelled his cologne - in my crazy dream.
before he died - for the first 40 years of my life, he was always able to make everything okay. his kind eyes, comforting words, contagious sense of humor, and unconditional love were constants in my life. when i fell (which i did quite a bit) he was a soft place to land. he blessed everyone he came in contact with. my father so closely mirrored my heavenly father. i never questioned the goodness, forgiveness, mercy, and grace of God because i had experienced such wonderful qualities from my earthly father.
oh i could write a book about what an amazing man, husband, friend, and father he was.......perhaps i will one day. even though he is in heaven now, his memory still comforts me, his legacy lives on in me and those he loved. my son carter has so much of my dad in him, it's eerie.

my dream last night would have been categorized as a nightmare except for the fact that my father was always near, perhaps not in the scene, but close by. is it possible that my heavenly father loves me even more? reminds me of the psalm...."even though i walk through the dark valley, you are with me..."