please don't eat my mom's hair!

i had a recurring childhood dream....sometimes the details would change - but the ending was always the same....my dad, my sister, and me ended up in this particular alley where something horrible was happening. our mom was trapped under our toy spring riding horse....the horse kept oscillating from inanimate object to ferocious beast....and it was eating the hair from my mom's head. if that wasn't horrific enough, we couldn't help her. it's like we were paralyzed - we couldn't move or even feel. my dad stood between me and my little sister, holding our hands - but there was nothing we could do to help as the horse consumed her hair, lock by lock.
often i would awake from this dream in complete panic and with that ache that swells up in your throat. i'd run to my mom and dad's bedroom to make sure they were okay.
i had this dream over and over again - and never understood why. even in college when i learned a little about interpreting dreams, my childhood recurring nightmare still didn't seem to have any meaning....

after my bout with malignant breast cancer and the untimely death of my father - i have some possible interpretations for my crazy dream......
i look so much like my mom - maybe it was me under that hair-eating horse...maybe the horse was cancer which rendered me bald with its jaws of disease.....and there was nothing anyone could do about it...nothing i could do....utter helplessness....

or maybe the dream speaks of being paralyzed....because that is how i feel when it comes to helping my mom with her pain concerning dad's death...my dad can't help because he isn't physically on earth - my sister and i can't help - we are paralyzed because we haven't come to terms with the tragic loss either....
so i put ambesol on my heart to numb the pain - just like in the dream -

i love my mom so much.
i wish i could take her pain away - but i would have no place to put it...
except in God's hands....

when i was younger - it took a lot before i would turn things over to God - but now, either i have grown in wisdom or am just lazy and/or tired - but i give things to Him quickly. i've learned from experience how royally i can botch things up without Him.

the picture is my mom with three of her 7 grandkids. can you see by looking what kind of grandmother she is? she goes to all their games and dances and competitions!

i love my mom very much.

this blog entry has no coherency.
but then again, neither do i.