i've been in the hospital for the last 4 days - with raging high fever and horrible pain...i was diagnosed with both pneumonia and cellulitius . Cellulitus is a nasty bright red skin rash caused by a bacterial blood infection. i had 3 different antibiotics flowing through 7 different IVs (my veins kept blowing, rolling whatever they do)
so they let me come home today with orders for three days bedrest, lots more antibiotics, and then more bloodwork on monday when i see my doctor.
in high school and college, i worshipped health. my body fat was so low in college that i stopped having periods. if i wasn't training for volleyball or track, i ran on my own. i grew my own sprouts. i sought a degree in premed/exercise physiology and couldn't get enough information about nutrition and exercise. and i was disciplined!....no fried foods, cookies, alcohol to touch my lips! i was the picture of health.
it was my idol...and a 24 inch waist my trophy.
okay God - i see where we're going here. and i am humbled.
the last five years of poor health (breast cancer, chemotherapy, hysterectomy, gall bladder surgery, and most recently pneumonia and raging cellulitus) has been one long hard to learn lesson.
i have had to accept that my worth is not dictated my shapely breasts or low body fat. who i am has nothing to do with the size of my waist or the cellulite (not to be confused with "cellulitus") on my butt.
it hasn't been easy.
i haven't been afraid of dying...but i have been terrified of living imperfectly.
i still struggle with sickness - it makes me feel out of control and weak. but i have learned so much and like myself so much better today - even though i am fat and out of shape.
the other day, i was watching tv with landre (my 8 year old) and out of the blue, he exclaimed, "Man i am so glad i am me!" that's the best thing a parent could hear - that her child loves himself as God created him to be.
and i need to love myself with this scarred and chubby body....
for you see
when i was healthy on the outside, i was sick on the inside.
when i was sick on the outside, God began healing me within.
i have been refined by fire.
i have bloomed despite unfortunate events.
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3 years ago
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7 comments:
this made me sob.
i love you, jaki.
"when i was healthy on the outside, i was sick on the inside.
when i was sick on the outside, God began healing me within."
This made so much sense to me... You are so strong!!!! Recovery vibes sent your way! Love ya!
You elicit happiness
You educe sadness
You draw smiles and tears
From me
Thank-you
Jake
Your beautiful and grace spills through your words. Were (Kelly and I) praying for you.
I've read and reread this at least 5 times and I still don't know what to say. I'm so intrigued by your thoughts.
Your words are always thought provoking and enriching. We all have our flaws inside and out, and the lesson seems to be balance. Every word and action touches someone in someway, even if only ourselves. Most of the time, I'm too moved, too speechless to know the right thing to say after one of your profound writings..or sobbing like Anna. Forgive me if my words come out wrong, but just know how proud I am of your strength, and you're always an inspiration to everyone who knows you.
Jaki, I am crying... thank you for that humbling reminder of life. I often try too hard to control things that should not be controlled. And I often (frequently, constantly) catch myself gazing at super thin high school girls, remembering when my body looked that way. I must remember that I have grown and given birth to five children, and my body proudly shows that.
thank you for the reminder.
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