beauty in turbulence

what to say on a day like today...
i feel so emotional because today i have reached a monumental goal - my 5 year cancer free mark. the odds of making it 5 years without a recurrence were not in my favor. but here i am.

i am not sure why 5 years is the magic number for surviving breast cancer. recently i was rejected from an insurance policy because they consider cancer a preexisting condition until you have been cancer-free for 10 years. But nevertheless, 5 years has optimistic statistical implications for those breast cancer patients, like me, who had the type that spread or metastasized.

i don't know why i got breast cancer. i don't know why i got the invasive type. i don't know why it had already spread beyond my breast and to my lymph nodes before i discovered the knot in my chest. i don't know why i was able to defy the odds when so many do not. so many things i don't understand.

but i don't have to.
it's okay to live among the mysteries and unanswered questions.

so much i do not know -
but i believe wholeheartedly in the sovereignty of God...
and i believe unreservedly in the power of prayer...
and i believe tenaciously in the reality of miracles.

the whole ordeal has taught me how to truly trust. my faith has grown exponentially.

i couldn't talk about it for a long time...just didn't want to "go there". i didn't want to draw attention to myself. looking back, i think i was in denial. i was so out of touch with my emotions that i couldn't even experience the expected emotions of fear, sadness, or even anger.
but once the hair fell out and my skin became sallow - i had to face it on my knees. and God was there...
and the prayers of so many clothed me with strength and serenity.

i wouldn't wish cancer on anyone - but i wouldn't change its collision with my world either.

it pried open locked doors
illuminated dark corners
cleaned the dirt from my perspective
made me free.

in the midst of a storm, it's hard to see. but God is at work there....making beauty in spite of the turbulence.